by Craig Malkin
Red flags for extreme narcissism are often easy to identity: behaviors like boasting, monologues and condescending remarks. Just turn on any reality show, and you could make a game out of spotting them.
To be fair, these dead giveaways don’t tend to show up early on in a relationship. If they did, most people would run for the hills. Some troubling traits are more subtle.
As a psychologist with 25 years of experience, here’s my best advice for recognizing the early warning of highly narcissistic people:
1. They engage in ‘love bombing.’
Love bombing is the pouring of praise, attention and gifts.
When it’s healthy, the behavior goes by another name: the “honeymoon phase.” According to decades of research, such starry-eyed treatment of our partners isn’t just fun — it can predict the longevity and happiness of romantic relationships.
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But don’t be fooled: in the first stages of dating, the honeymoon phase devolves into love bombing when your date glues you to a pedestal, leaving little room for enjoyment.
2. They get irritated when confronted by vulnerable feelings.
If you say something like, “I love all the flirty texts, and I’m excited to see you Saturday. I’d also like time to reflect on how I’m feeling and get some sleep during the week. How about we wait to talk then?”
A narcissist’s response might be a wounded: “I don’t like games.” They might react with withdrawn behavior, curt remarks and slow responses to messages — until they disappear altogether.
Narcissists are often uncomfortable with vulnerable feelings like sadness, loneliness, shame, fear or even disappointment because they don’t trust that anyone will truly care about or be there for them.
3. They maintain a false image of security.
The most narcissistic people cope with their attachment insecurities by maintaining a sense of themselves as so special, exceptional or unique that they don’t ever need to fear facing emotional risk.
This is called “self-enhancement.”
People who aren’t narcissists have the flexibility to enjoy just connecting, without all the intense texting and praise. Real relationships are based on a range of ways of expressing closeness and affection.
4. They only point out your similarities.
Another way narcissists practice self-enhancement is the “the twin fantasy,” or creating a sense of specialness by insisting you’re both alike in as many ways as possible: “We love the same music! And isn’t it great we both enjoy hiking?”
When you point out differences in your culinary or musical tastes, or you reject the surprise night out in favor of a planned date a few days from now, you may be met with irritation or silence. Narcissists are rigidly invested in maintaining a sense of specialness.
But healthy relationships can handle a slower pace, some predictability, an appreciation of each person’s uniqueness, and direct conversations about how you are feeling.
5. They’re controlling with plans.
Narcissists often practice stealth control. They might show up last minute with concert tickets and flowers, or make all the dinner reservations, or insist on picking the romantic picnic spot in the park.
If this is the only way a person can enjoy connecting, they may be too rigid to be trusted.
Always organizing events is a tactic to get what they want without ever having to ask (again, no risk). It’s a variation on a theme: “You’re perfect, as long as you let me do what I want to make us feel special together.”
But the most successful relationships are able to handle variety and an equal share in who initiates the excitement.
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