by Ree Winter
We all have moments when confidence falters — some deal with it more often than others. For some, it’s just a part of who they are. Overcoming insecurities, no matter how hard you try, can be challenging. As I made this list, I found I related to several of these signs. It’s worth noting that some of these may overlap with conditions like autism or ADHD, so they don’t always mean someone is insecure. However, if someone shows many of these traits, it could suggest deeper insecurities. Members of a popular internet forum recently discussed what they thought demonstrated a person’s insecurity.
1. Overly Apologetic
Constantly saying sorry, even for minor things. There’s being polite, and then there’s going overboard and apologizing just for existing — or so it seems. There’s only a need to apologize if something is your fault.
2. Constantly Seeking Approval
Frequently needing validation from others. Perhaps you enjoy doing something and know you do it well, but you want praise to validate your worth. It’s okay to want approval — we’re all human — but if you can’t function without it, that’s an insecurity.
3. Excessive Self-Criticism
Being excessively harsh on themselves. Humans aren’t perfect creatures, and it’s normal to feel down on yourself sometimes, but when it’s constant, and you criticize yourself in front of others, that could be an issue.
4. Perfectionism
Striving for flawless performance to mask insecurities. Of course, as one person in the forum pointed out, this is also a sign of OCD. The only way to tell the difference here is to either look for signs or just ask the person.
5. Avoiding Eye Contact
Difficulty maintaining eye contact during conversations. Again, this is one of those symptoms that fit several different conditions. People with autism or ADHD may have this trait.
6. Fear of Rejection
Being hesitant to express opinions or ideas due to fear of disapproval. One person says that insecure people may have difficulty communicating about feelings or being the first to bring up a topic because they fear being hurt. Rejection sensitivity is also an ADHD trait.
7. Excessive Humility
Downplaying achievements or talents. Secure people naturally find no need to hide accomplishments. It’s all about balance, but sometimes, it can be difficult for people to naturally find what is too much or too little.
8. Overcompensation
Boasting or exaggerating accomplishments to mask insecurities. This is the opposite of the last point! It seems the forum felt this was one of the most obvious signs that someone was insecure — when they felt the need to overly boast.
9. Comparison to Others
People who continually measure themselves against others are probably insecure. For example, someone habitually measures their career success against their colleagues, leading to a cycle of self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy, even when that person achieves significant milestones in her work.
10. Inability To Accept Compliments
Brushing off positive feedback or compliments. If you’re embarrassed when someone says something nice about you, it’s easy to say, “Thanks,” and leave it at that. Making a big deal about not liking comments or using it to make negative self-talk is an obvious insecurity sign.
11. Upmanship
They always have to be better than everyone else. One forum member gave an example of someone getting a great new job and an insecure person needing to prove that they have a better job.
12. Defensiveness
Reacting strongly to constructive criticism or feedback. Sometimes, it’s difficult to be told we could do something better, and a person may be a little hurt at first, but they learn to take it as advice. An insecure person may get very irate and refuse to accept that they could do anything wrong.
13. Fear of Failure
Avoiding challenges due to a fear of not measuring up is letting anxiety take over your life. Unfortunately, for many, this means they will miss out on things they want to do.
14. Lack of Assertiveness
Difficulty expressing personal needs or desires. One person describes this as the capacity to honestly communicate with someone while still respecting their emotions, fostering trust in your genuine intentions, and enabling them to receive criticism positively.
15. Dependency on Others
When individuals strongly depend on others for decision-making or seek constant validation, it often indicates insecurity. This behavior suggests a lack of confidence in one’s judgment and abilities.
16. Social Withdrawal
Avoiding social situations to evade judgment. There’s a difference between needing some alone time and avoiding social situations because you’re worried about what others might think of you.
17. Bullying
Bullying is a manifestation of insecurity, as it often arises from the bully’s own feelings of inadequacy. Bullies use aggressive behavior to mask their internal vulnerabilities, seeking a false sense of power and superiority by targeting others.
18. Defending Bad Behavior
Some forum members mentioned people caught lying about something, defending themselves, and getting abusive, for example. This behavior could be driven by a fear of consequences, avoidance of responsibility, a need for approval, and a desire to maintain a positive self-image.
19. Never Apologizing
A person gave an example of an ex. When she pointed out that his cigarette butts were blowing around and getting on the neighbor’s patio below, instead of apologizing and fixing the behavior, he blamed his girlfriend for not getting him something to put them in. This insecurity can stem from a need for perfection, avoidance of judgment, and the desire to maintain a positive image.
20. Mind Reading
Assuming negative thoughts or judgments from others without evidence. I’ve known several people who will go through entire imagined future scenarios and conversations that may come up, often guessing at the outcome and causing themselves a lot of unnecessary overthinking. When this occurs, there’s a lack of confidence in both yourself and others.
21. Chronic Self-Doubt
Despite past achievements, people with chronic self-doubt may constantly question their worth, skills, and capacity to meet challenges. One person says this insecurity can hinder personal and professional growth, as they may miss out on opportunities due to their feelings of inadequacy.
22. People-Pleasing Behavior
People-pleasing behavior involves prioritizing the needs and desires of others over your own, often in an attempt to gain approval or avoid conflict. We naturally want to make the people we love happy, but when it always comes at your own expense or sacrifice, that’s possibly an insecurity that may cause an imbalance in a relationship.
23. Inability To Say ‘No’
Difficulty saying ‘no’ is linked to difficulty setting boundaries. This can result in overcommitting, exhaustion, and neglect of personal well-being. While someone saying ‘yes’ to everything you ask might be appealing, it might be a sign that the person is struggling to say ‘no.’
24. Avoidance of Vulnerability
Avoiding vulnerability is a defense mechanism where people resist opening up emotionally. This behavior can hinder the development of deep, meaningful connections and emotional intimacy. Some forum members felt some people might be like this because of bad past experiences.
25. Difficulty Making Decisions
People who fear making the wrong choice and, as a result, seek others to make it for them. This behavior can hinder the ability to take decisive actions, contributing to a cycle of self-doubt. This symptom can also be part of ADHD when someone is overwhelmed by choice.
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