So you finally made the decision to go no contact and have no clue what to expect. The narcissists in your life acted like they didn’t want to be bothered with you while you were together, so as far as you’re concerned this should be easy. We would all hope that our relationships would work out and last forever but, if they do eventually come to a close, we could only hope that they would come to an end mutually. Unfortunately, with a narcissist, you never know what to expect.
If you’re wondering what to expect from The Narcissist now that you’ve got no contact, welcome to my website where we discuss narcissism and how it affects our relationships. Understanding and interpreting their Tendencies can help you avoid the pitfalls of dealing with these types of relationships.
When ending a normal relationship, two mature adults typically go their separate ways mutually, respecting one another’s boundaries. Unfortunately, in a relationship with a narcissist, they don’t always tend to go away easily. Because of this, going no contact is one tool we use with narcissists to distance ourselves from the relationship and heal from the emotional trauma of it all. We do this by stopping all forms of communication and severing all ties so the narcissists can no longer interact with us in any way.
It may sound harsh but without the no-contact rule, not only does it make it very difficult to end the relationship with a narcissist, but failing to go no contact can potentially keep you trapped in the relationship for years. The Narcissist uses many tactics to get you back but understand that none of them will involve loving you.
So, What The Narcissist Does When You Go No Contact? This is what we are going to discuss in today’s topic.
1. Expect the unexpected.
Their attempts to get you back are to satisfy a need or benefit they were getting from being in a relationship with you, even if it’s simply the attention you provided them. Their connection to you is more about control than anything else, and because of this, they won’t always make it easy for you to cut them off. In fact, when going no contact with a narcissist, expect the unexpected.
First, it’s not uncommon for a narcissist to run a smear campaign. A smear campaign is a carefully planned strategy meant to humiliate you and damage your reputation. This happens when the narcissist spreads rumors, portraying you in a negative light. They may say you’re crazy, unstable, broke, a cheater, lazy, a thief, a gold digger… basically, anything that shows the world what a terrible person you were and what a terrible person they had to put up with. They do this to shift the blame for how and why the relationship ended and to regain some of the control you took away from them when you ended the relationship. And if you want to know how to deal with the smear campaign, this article is for you.
Going no contact with the narcissist will cause them to panic, especially if you were their primary source of supply and they don’t have anyone immediately available to take your place. But trust me; they usually have several potential Replacements they’re grooming on the sidelines. But, that won’t stop them from still wanting to get the attention that you once provided.
Narcissists are addicted to receiving admiration and attention because it boosts their weak sense of self and their lack of self-esteem. Being without it is like an addict without their drug of choice. Narcissists need Supply in order to function. If the narcissist loses you suddenly, who will be there to listen to their stories, admire them, stroke their ego, and make them feel special? Not having a supply available to constantly fill up the emptiness they fill inside will definitely make them desperate to fill the void you left behind when you went no contact.
They will frantically search for a replacement Supply. If they didn’t have a new Supply already lined up to take your place, then they’ll resurrect an old flame or recklessly reach out to a short-term temporary Supply until they can secure someone who more aligns with their needs, someone who can give them as much attention, admiration, and love as you once did.
3. Another tactic The Narcissist may use if you go no contact is to contact you with gossip about some random person.
They may say something like, “I know you’re not talking to me but I wanted to tell you what happened to Jim.” They don’t really care what happened to Jim, and you probably barely even know Jim that they’ll use this as a segue into the conversation, using your compassion for people against you to get you to open up. Once you respond, they’ll likely never mention Jim again because the real goal was to make you break no contact, not their concern for Jim.
It’s not uncommon for a narcissist to show up at your house, your place of work, or a place they know you frequently if they can’t get you on the phone, text, or on social media. If you ever feel unsafe, call the police and file a restraining order immediately. Unfortunately, some narcissists can resort to violence, and if you feel like you may be in danger, definitely reach out to the authorities.
In other cases though, they may just feel like it’s easier to get you to communicate with them face-to-face. It’s harder to not respond to someone when you’re in their presence. If they can get you to talk to them for just a second, they may be able to guilt-trip you into taking them back or at least get you to hear them out.
4. Win you back.
Something else The Narcissist may do if you go no contact is be an utter disbelief that you’re gone for good. They’ll think that you’ll come back like you always do, they believe that they can always sweet talk you into changing your mind, especially if you’ve taken them back in the past. So, they’ll do the same things they normally do to win you back. When this doesn’t work, then they may step away briefly and give you just a little more time to come to your senses.
In their minds, they’ll think, why wouldn’t you want to be with them? Because they never take responsibility for their actions, they’ll think that they couldn’t have possibly done anything so wrong that you’re gone for good. And even if they did, it was really your fault. Besides, you belong to them, who do you think you are leaving? That’s their job. If you go no contact with the narcissist and their usual tricks to win you back don’t work, they may try to be really nice to you by sending flowers to your job, sending money to your cash app, finding you a thoughtful gift, or following through on something you’ve asked them to do in the past. I talked about what the narcissist does to get you back here.
They do this to try and elicit those same feelings you once had during the love bomb. This also falls in line with the law of reciprocity, in which we feel obligated to pay back what we receive from others. The Narcissist may not know the psychology behind it, but they do know that if they give you something, you may be more inclined to accept a call from them, to at least say thank you for the kind gesture. Once you do this, they are hoping that they can win you over once again.
If the narcissist can’t get you to respond after being really nice, well then on the flip side of that they may be really mean… sending you random messages from random numbers saying something outrageous about you… causing you to want to reach out to them to defend yourself. The goal in this interaction is to get you to react. Good attention or bad attention, it doesn’t matter to them, but knowing that they can still make you react is all the fuel they’ll need to know they still have some level of control over you.
If you go no contact with the narcissist, they may become angry that they didn’t have the opportunity to break it off with you first. Because narcissists fixate on Revenge, they may Hoover you until you take them back only to dump you and then go no contact with you. Because in their mind, how dare you go no contact with them before they had a chance to properly take you through the idolization, devalue, and discard stage. They do this to gain control and make them feel like they now have the upper hand.
In some cases, The Narcissist may not contact you after you go no contact, instead, they may simply move on to the supply they’ve been grooming in the background, especially if they were about to discard you anyway. However, even though they’re not contacting you, it will likely not prevent them from checking all your social media accounts to keep tabs on you while they’re entertaining their new Supply. Even narcissists that don’t appear to be very active on social media, are likely checking on you to see what you’re up to, hoping that your life has been miserable since you left them.
The worst thing a narcissist can see is you thriving after the relationship is over. The Narcissist may also not contact you after you’ve got no contact if they sustained a severe narcissistic injury. In these instances, they may disappear for good. They disappear because of the shame you made them feel. If you expose their real self in some way, the shame may be too great for the narcissist to handle. Shame is a major reason narcissists struggle to maintain relationships, and if you’ve pierced their fragile sense of self in some way, it may be too triggering to ever contact you again.
In both instances, if the narcissist doesn’t contact you after you’ve gone no contact, consider yourself lucky. In case you didn’t notice a theme here, narcissists will do a whole lot but none of it will be tied to missing or loving you as a person. Sure, they miss the attention they got from you, the material things you supplied, and they may miss the way you make them feel about themselves, but they never really miss you as a person. All the reactions are tied to getting you back under their control to fulfill their needs.
A narcissist can manipulate you into believing they’ll change but this change will only be short-lived and likely only last long enough to rope you back in. ( Read here why the reasons why the narcissist won’t change) They’ll eventually take you back through the same behaviors that made you go no contact in the first place. Now that you understand some of the tactics The Narcissist may use when you go no contact, continue to move forward and continue to educate yourself about narcissism. This will not only help you heal but it will help you see the warning signs and other relationships moving forward.
Below are the top 3 Tactics Narcissists Use To Get You Back!
I’ve said once that Narcissists are like boomerangs, as they always seem to find a way back around to you. Their tentacles are always up and out sensing or looking for an opportunity to swivel their way back into your life. Especially, if you were a good source of supply or if they want to try and hurt you further. Those are usually the two main reasons why a Narcissist usually wants back in.
Sometimes the Narcissist takes ages to hoover as they are usually preoccupied with what they deem to be better sources of supply. But when they cannot find anyone better or they are lacking in both quantity and quality of supply, you can be sure they will come back knocking. Even if it is to punish you further, they will use the same approaches to slip back into your life.
After all, the devil is not going to show up with a pitchfork and horns, is he? No! He or she will come as an angel of light-bearing gifts.
1. Flying Monkeys.
And a major tactic that helps the Narcissist with future hoovers is developing relationships with your close friends and family. The Narcissist’s aim is to gain their trust and use them as flying monkeys. Flying monkeys who will aid the Narcissist in their Smear Campaign and who will also seek to keep the Narcissist updated with what is happening in your life, even if you are no longer with them.
That is why when you find out you are dealing with a Narcissist and you go No Contact, you have to be prepared to go no contact or have limited contact with those family and friends who are flying monkeys for the Narcissist, whether they know it or not. Because these types of Flying Monkeys will make it difficult for you to really ever leave the Narcissist behind.
The family flying monkeys like a sibling, a parent, or even a child can make things difficult, but I have come to treat them all the same. A friend of the Narcissist is not a friend of mine.
Because the Narcissist will use these information sources to keep tabs on you and find out the most beneficial times to get in touch with you in order to break No Contact or catch you with your defenses down. Whether it is a death in the family, a recent breakup, or even to congratulate you on an achievement or recent promotion. The Narcissist will see these as a perfect excuse to reach out to you.
2. Play the Victim.
The next tactic the Narcissist will use is where they play the victim, even the suicidal victim who cannot live without you.
Manipulators are the ones who will use this statement of wanting to end their life if you leave them or don’t take them back. They would act totally desperate and destroyed and make it clear that you are the only one who can save them. Along with this victim act, expect numerous apologies, promises of change, and those bloody crocodile tears.
Narcissists love to cry when it suits them. It adds that extra punch they think is needed to tug at our heartstrings. But believe me, when I say this, narcissists can cry on demand, both the male and the female Narcissist, and those tears are not genuine.
Narcissists know that as empathetic beings there are things that can be said and done to make us weak reconsider letting them back into our lives. And sometimes, Narcissists would carry out the most desperate acts in order to get our attention and empathy.
Appealing to our empathy is always their go-to card to manipulate us and get what they want. So, they will use their charm, they will use their sad stories, they will use their smiles, they will use their tears. They will use everything at their disposal to make you like them, feel sorry for them, help them or take them back.
Narcissists do not feel sorry for us, neither do they care about us. All they want to do is use us. They need us to provide them with the Narcissistic fuel they need to massage their egos and make them feel good about themself. When the Narcissist returns, we need to resist them. Resist their fake acts of kindness and beware of all the Niceties to get back into your life.
3. Being Nice & Generous.
We already know that when a Narcissist is acting Nice, it is not genuine and there is usually a hidden agenda, either to get something from or to destroy you. And they have no issues playing the nice card to get what they want. They have no issues giving gifts if it will make you lower your defenses. They have no problem giving fake apologies and crying fake tears.
If you let the Narcissist back into your life, they will just wait their time. It can take weeks, months, or years, but as soon as the Narcissist is comfortable, they have you where they want you, they will regress back into their negative behaviors or commence their plans to destroy you.
With Narcissists, it is not that they just make mistakes that can easily be corrected or mistakes where an apology will suffice and you can have confidence that they will not do it again. No, Narcissists are hard-wired to hurt you again and again, as long as you let them. And they will keep trying to win you back if you leave a door open for them to return.
So, you have to make up your mind to eliminate not just the Narcissist but those pesky Flying Moneys who are prepared to hand you over to the Narcissist on a silver platter. When you cut off those Flying Monkeys, the Narcissist will cut them off as well, as they usually serve no other purpose. The Narcissist usually only needs them as long as they give them access to you. You can find out more about flying Monkeys in this article.
But to conclude, Narcissists will use flying monkeys, playing the victim, and being very nice or generous in order to walk back into your life. So, be mindful of these tactics and the people they will use in order to keep yourself free from the Narcissist.
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