The fallacy of “if they wanted to, they would” thinking.
by Crystal Jackson
Growing up, I often heard the expression “the phone works both ways” or “if they wanted to, they would”. It means that both people are responsible for maintaining a connection. It’s not on one person to keep a relationship going. The phone can make outgoing calls as easily as it can accept incoming ones.
But there’s a fallacy in this thinking. While both people in any relationship are equally responsible for maintaining contact, the perception of equity can result in a stalemate if one person won’t reach out because the other person is perceived to have been in contact less often. The assumption is that one person is making less effort when the reality can be so much more complex.
Why This Perspective is Deeply Flawed
There are times in my life when I knew friends were having a hard time, but I could not reach out. It wasn’t a matter of not wanting to be in contact. At those times, I was also trying my best to keep my head above water, and I didn’t have the time, energy, or emotional resources to deal with anyone’s problems beyond my own. Does that make me a terrible friend or a struggling human?
Expectation: friends should show up no matter what
The expectation that friends should always be there for us doesn’t quite track for mature relationships. In truth, sometimes our friends can’t be there for us, and we shouldn’t expect them to be available no matter what else is going on in their lives. There should be a little wiggle room for both people to be in crisis at the same time and a large enough support system to call on someone else when the first person we think of isn’t able to handle any more than they’re already managing.
I used to make myself available even when I was overwhelmed. I would give until I had nothing left for myself. I liked how it felt to be needed, and I didn’t want to be perceived as a bad friend. When I developed a chronic illness, I had no idea how hard it would be to continue showing up for people when I could not show up for myself.
It took trial and error, but I learned what I could handle — and what I couldn’t. With overwhelming fatigue, incomprehensible mood changes, and rising anxiety and depression, I had to show up for the one person who needed me the most: Myself.
I had to let go of everything else in order to save myself. It was the only way I could continue holding down a job and taking care of my kids. My life was falling apart, and I couldn’t stop holding up my own world to hold up someone else’s.
The idea that we will always show up for others is lovely. It’s just not realistic. Sometimes, we’re doing the best we can, and no one should expect more than that.
Expectation: friendship effort should always be equal
I like to give my friends the benefit of the doubt. If I don’t hear from them, I don’t assume they’re mad at me or that they’re a bad friend. I don’t wait for them to reach out because it’s “their turn”. While I’m a big fan of reciprocating energy, I also understand that sometimes relationships are going to be uneven when one or both people are dealing with heavy life events.
It also helps to remember that sometimes the friend who needs the most checking on is the one who always used to check on others. Sometimes, when people disappear from our lives, we don’t need to punish them with our silence; we need to check on them to make sure they’re okay and to let them know we’re thinking of them. Instead of waiving responsibility for being the one to reach out, we need to develop a little personal agency.
Expectation: if they aren’t reaching out, they’re the bad friend
There might be a good reason someone opted out of our lives. Toxic energy can drive people away. Perpetually unequal friendships can falter. We might assume the other person isn’t reaching out because they’re a bad friend when we’re the ones who have let them down. They may be disengaging because we haven’t connected lately, but it’s also possible that we’ve just grown apart. Not all friendships last. It doesn’t mean that the person wasn’t a good friend for a little while.
We have to realize that we are not the center of the Universe and accept that other people have problems to manage, too. Being a good friend isn’t about texting first or texting equally. Being a good friend is about affection, trust, and enjoying another person’s company. The idea that if someone wanted to reach out, then they would completely ignores the reality and complexity of life and mental health.
How to Be a Better Friend
Instead of evaluating if other people are showing up for us, we’re better off evaluating ways that we can be better friends to the people in our lives. Frankly, if we’re always struggling, we can’t use that as the reason we don’t stay in contact and make an effort. It’s possible that we may need to take action to try to maintain friendships even when we have little time and emotional availability due to outside circumstances.
Make time for friendship
Being a friend does require making time. It doesn’t have to be a lot of time though. Sometimes, a short text is enough to let someone know that we’re not ignoring them and haven’t forgotten them. Making time to spend with our friends keeps those connections alive. It also helps provide the support we might need when we’re struggling.
Our temptation during struggle can be to isolate ourselves. Yet, research shows that this isn’t just bad for our mental health, but it also can negatively impact our physical health and increase our risk of heart disease and strokes. Even though it seems counterintuitive, I discovered during my chronic illness that isolation only made my symptoms worse and social contact proved to alleviate some of my discomfort. The more I made time for friendship during my hard days, the better those days were. I found that my mental state improved when I made time with other people a priority even when my instinct was to go into seclusion.
Be honest about struggles
We might be tempted at times to hide the struggles we’re going through. I hate talking about financial challenges in particular. Yet, it’s important to be able to communicate with our support system honestly. It can help to open up and share that we’re overwhelmed. Instead of turning down a lunch date, I might have to be honest that I’m eating at home to save money. It’s that kind of vulnerability that strengthens relationships and helps avoid misunderstandings.
If we don’t feel comfortable opening up to our friend about what we’re struggling with, then we might need to question why we consider this person a friend. Furthermore, we might want to look at exactly what kind of friend category they fall in. If they’re a more casual friendship, they might not be getting inner circle information. These connections don’t require the same amount of time or effort that someone in that inner circle will usually receive. But all inner circle friends should be safe people to open up to about what’s really going on in our lives.
Allow space in the relationship
Sometimes, our expectations of other people just aren’t realistic. Expecting someone to be on call to manage our every problem isn’t healthy. It can even be considered entitled. One or two people aren’t meant to be our entire support system. That’s a lot of pressure, and it doesn’t allow much space for those people to have their own busy, challenging lives.
When there’s healthy space in a friendship, we don’t automatically assume someone is slighting us when they take some time away. In fact, we probably assume they’re busy and have a lot going on. The moment we realize we haven’t heard from them we can make time to reach out and let them know we’re around when they have time to talk or hang out. It doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.
The phone might work both ways, but a tit for tat perspective might not be the healthiest for a relationship. Real friends might disappear for a little while to deal with their own things. They might even disappear for years — caught up in their own lives and losing touch simply as a result. Yet, that doesn’t mean the friendship isn’t real or worthy of a little effort.
I used to think friendships were simple. But life isn’t simple, is it? We grow up, and some days, it’s hard enough to deal with our own issues without being expected to pause and manage someone else’s as well. Our best fluctuates in accordance with what’s going on in our lives, and sometimes the best thing we can do is take care of ourselves and hope our friends understand why that’s got to be the priority.
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Vintage Dava 
Thanks for sharing thoughtful post on maintaining relationships, being compassionate and understanding when our friends may need space or time to deal with their own challenges.
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