by Matthew Coast
There’s nothing as unnerving as doubt. Sometimes doubt can be self-preservation, the nagging conscience that keeps us out of trouble.
But sometimes doubt can be self-defeating – the obsessive thoughts that prevent us from being happy. The conflicting thoughts that unravel the things you want, and only reinforce negative attitudes.
The question is how do you know if you have good doubt or bad doubt? The kind of doubt that protects you from an unhappy marriage or the kind of doubt that stops you from making the commitment you actually want?
The best thing to do in this case is to remove emotion from the equation, and instead pay close attention to the signs. These signs are subtle at first, but the more you think about it, the more you observe patterns, the more evidence you discover.
Then you realize this is not just nagging doubts as usual. You are basing your feelings on facts, things you’ve noticed, events that happened, and things both you and your partner have said.
These are the doubts you take seriously because they point to your future. Let’s consider eight of these signs:
1. You never feel like your “true self” when you’re with them.
If you can’t be your real self with your partner, who will ever understand you? This person is supposed to be the most intimate companion of your life, your true love, and your most trusted friend. If you can’t be real around them, and always feel like you’re tiptoing around their feelings, something is very wrong.
2. You don’t want them near your family.
Whether it’s your partner or even YOU, if there’s enough mistrust to keep each other far away from families, that’s a bad sign. That either means you don’t trust them around your parents or friends (because of what they might say or do) or YOU have never been invited to be in their inner circle.
Why the resistance? Something is wrong if there is such great resistance to becoming even more intimate with each other – by opening your private lives and welcoming each other in.
3. You fantasize about breaking up with them and leaving forever all the time.
Notice we didn’t say sexual fantasies. Yeah everyone does that and it’s pretty much a passing thought. But if you actually think about breaking up with your partner or FWB or whatever they are, then that’s not an encouraging sign. You’re fantasizing about it because you’re dreaming of a life without them – one where you get more freedom, less anxiety, and maybe even a feeling of peace. This is what you really want and you’re just trying to convince yourself to go through with it.
4. You feel out of their league.
Whether you think they’re too attractive for you, too smart, or too ugly or too dumb – it all points to the same thing. You don’t feel on each other’s wavelength. You don’t match each other, and somehow your instincts know that. You might like them, respect them, or even find them physically attractive. But the “IT” factor is not there because genetically speaking, the attraction isn’t real. You might be friends with benefits or on and off again lovers, but you’re definitely not soulmates and it shows.
5. You never turn to them when you’re having a personal crisis.
It’s a tremendous honor to be someone’s go-to-confidant. Someone that’s always there, someone who has a calming and soothing effect – even in times of crisis. Does that sound like your best friend? Your relative? Your workmate?
You mean ANYONE other than your partner? That’s a very bad sign. If your own partner doesn’t protect you, doesn’t calm you, and doesn’t help in a crisis, how can you feel completely at ease? Do you have to pretend around them just to keep the peace? Do you really want to method-act for 20 years of a pretend marriage? It’s not worth it.
6. When you’re around them, your energy is completely drained.
You know how you feel around friends, cousins, work colleagues and pretty much everyone you see on a week to week basis? Sure it drains you. You like them all, but it takes a lot of energy just to deal with them.
Now imagine if you felt that way 24-7 around your partner? What if your partner drained you emotionally and mentally? Imagine how tired you would be at night. Imagine how much you would want to open up to a friend – someone you can really trust. When a person drains you completely, that indicates you have to act too much to earn their love.
7. Even if you talk things out, nothing ever changes.
You know what they say. Talking things out is the best therapy. It’s what keeps marriages strong. So…what happens when you talk things out all the time but nothing ever changes?
Yep, you guessed it. That’s a bad sign. That means that even though you pour your heart out, your partner never really listens to you. Or they do listen but decide they can’t change for you. In response you talk all the time, maybe even fight all the time, but nothing moves forward.
In fact, over time, you probably talk about it less and less. You start to get tired of the meaningless talk and his overreactions. You don’t want the drama anymore. And it’s not too much longer that the relationship just withers away.
8. You never have time for each other – and it’s no one’s fault.
Lastly, if the two of you have completely different schedules and life goals, to the point where you hardly even see each other or talk, it might be the beginning of the end. Relationships must be nurtured and built on a solid foundation of common thought and similarities.
In conclusion, you may wonder where do these signs come from? Are signs really astrological? Do they come from a god or an angel trying to protect you from evil forces?
Well, true, it’s hard to disprove Jupiter’s influence in your life. Who knows, maybe the moon going through Pisces is a big deal…
But the far more likely scenario is that these signs come from you, your subconscious mind, your own intellect. Your heart, which feels things that sometimes you can’t express.
You are the one noticing these signs because sometimes the unconscious mind can pick up on things our rational mind cannot see. They always say hindsight is 20/20 and there’s a reason. We see the signs clearly when we’re more objective.
But if you make an effort to be objective, observe the signs, and notice the patterns of behavior, you can start to see 20/20 in real time.
#Depression, #Relationships, #Awareness, #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder, #BPD, #DateNight, #Drama, #HelpfulTips, #MentalHealth, #MentalHealthAwareness, #SelfHelp, #Codependent